it's over, after the five days of solemnity.

i could not describe the feelings in me.
we laughed, joked, appeared unaffected yet all the laughter werent from deep within our hearts.
i almost forgot what was happiness. each time i see her in the coffin, memories would haunt me.
i was brought up by her.
she was the one who taught me teochew.
she was the one who fetched me from childcare.
she was the one who laughed at my stupidity.
she was the one who shield me from mom's cane.
she was the one who gave me extra pocket money.
she was the one who played with me.
she fed me. she took great care of me. she doted on me.
she didnt mind my rudeness.

yet i didnt appreciate her well enough.
we moved out-away from her.
i dread to pay her visits whenever mom asked me to.
i gave excuses not to visit her.
i even busied myself during her stay in the hospital.
cos i took it for granted.
she's always there!
and will always be.
i didnt knw 'death' applies to her too.
i didnt.

she's 91 years old- an age that signifies death but i've not changed for the better.

it serve no purpose in regretting now.
gran, i miss you dearly.

watching her pushed towards cremation was heart wrenching.

it was then that i realised how much i hated for her to leave.

nevertheless, i know that she'l do just fine.
she'l seek peace in heaven.

and i, shall pray for her here.