A levels results was out.

that day, though it was only yesterday,
it seemed so long ago,
many, many things happened in a flash.

many wished me luck,
and many asked about my well being.

from the time i received the results slip till the many hours later,
my world changed.

not literally,
but a new definition for my future,
at least, that was new as from what my imagined life should be.

a real reality smack in the face.

a hard fall.

a regret in life.

an irretrievable mistake.

at that instant,
it made me realised 'hard work pays off'.
and i finally see that luck is never always by my side.

i understood that was my well deserved grades.
yet,
that was also my first taste of failure in life.
all my life, it has been plain sailing.
never had i experienced such hell before.

it was horrible.
even till now.

went shopping in town w che and sand just now,
but each time i laugh, there was some part of my heart that feels sad.
something was holding me back.
and we agreed that we could no longer be as happy as before.

it's a regret that is gonna stay w us through our lives.

i thank these people who have been kind and asked about my well being:
kelly,
sharlot,
che,
sand,
ryan,
keong,
dylon,
kor,
eugene,
wee suan,
jingshen,
barqs,
elton,
sheng,
bill,
kenn,
and those who stayed by my side t give the warmest hug,
gave me the wisest advice,
and made me see lights in my darkest period of life.

including the call from HongKong that lasted for a long while, thanks, Waiji, i hope you do well too!
=)
and from London.
dajie called immediately after the bad news was broken t her.
hearing her voice just cheers me up.

rick,
for chatting w me in the middle of the night.

that night,
yes,
last night was the toughest night ive ever been through.
i cried ever since i got home,
and continued so at night.
i knew what 'lost of appetite' felt.
and for the first time in life,
had a sleepless night.

i didnt sleep a wink, for my mind was filled w thoughts the moment i close my eyes.
didnt,
didnt sleep at all.
just cried.
i got up, switched on the lights,
and photocopied some testimonials, CCA certs.
and cried.
got up again,.
t visit the loo,
and cried.
got up, on the lights,
and wrote down possible questions that an interview would ask.
and cried.
i thought hard about each and every question.
and wrote down the perfect answers.
and cried,
and cried.
.
.
up again, to the loo.
and lights on for the unknown number of time,
t read through the bag of booklets and handouts given tgt w the results slip.
all of it, i covered.
and cried.
on my radio,
and i finally couldnt hold it any longer,
i called up four people,
at timings like, 3am.
i was so desperate,
that was actually the first time i initiated a call for a chat.

but of cos,
all became missed calls.
i cried.
and stopped.
and teared,
and stopped again.

that lasted for two hours before rick msged me apologizing for the silent mode that was on his phone.
he too,
couldnt get t sleep.
and we chatted,
boy was i glad i had him.
or else i wouldnt knw what would have happened t me for the next few hours.
mom woke at 5.30am,
i went t her room,
and she thought i just woke up, when the fact is, i didnt even blink, or rest my eyes except letting tears out.
i finally fell asleep at 6.30am,
only t wake in tears 3hrs later.

so i didnt take lunch, nor dinner, nor breakfast,
didnt sleep,
and didnt stop crying.

for my first tasted failure in life.

now, right now,
after having visited the open house,
i've got my mind set on repeating in school.
and since dad wants me t be in poly,
i shall go.
people suggested SIM,
i shall apply too.
i've got no more wishes,
whatever im told t do, i shall do it.

whatever,
whatever that comes along.

ask me about plans?
nothing,
just do as what im told.
what others deemed fit.
what should have seemed the right thing.
just following it.

yes,
but im fine,
im fine.
no longer tearing.
not to be too worried =)

im really grateful for the friends whom i've not mistrusted.

i thank you for all the support you've given.
what's heartwarming is that these people, are still there for me despite my fall.
'that's what friends are for' quoted by barqs.

i can never thank you people enough.

for that, i promise i'll stay strong, and take on the challenges that may pose t me!