this morning,
right after i woke up,

i moved out all the stacked notes,
classified em,
the usable and unusable ones,

filed up the different subjects,
and left a new look for a new beginning.
im all ready t start mugging.
notes are in place,
informations are sorted.

im prepared for school.
=)

then i went t check things out in SIM.
there wasnt much of a choice for arts.
i had only communication t take up.
it had a detailed program structure and left a pretty good impression at a course.
until i saw the fees.
57'780.
it held me back.

all because i didnt work hard,
all because i played.
all because i got distracted by the korean team,
all because i ignored kind advises,
i have t face this,
i have t pay a high price for it.

the sum did shook me.
i dont knw,
dont know if this is my choice.
not sure of where my interest lies.
im into Language.
but this is Communicating.
somewhere along the same line,
but is this decision made out of desperateness ?
or am i sure?
how sure am i?

where do i go?
yj? poly? sim?
to do what?
57k, what if that wasnt what i want?
what if im not up t it?

i was reminded of the days in debate club.
it was tough work,
having t speak infront of teammates everyday,
doing research every night,
persuading ears t believe in my stand,
speaking.
in front of many eyes.
i gave up on that.
i quit.

will this mentality still stay in me?
will i quit after getting into the course?

but gg back t yj,
i predict my grades will eventually have a 'D'.
where can a D leads me t?
NUS?
NTU?
how far can GP help me?
how confident am i of improving tremendously?
i've only got 6months t get everything back.
6months t excel in four subjects.
how capable am i in doing that?

SIM.
what if my attitude towards studies still remains the same?
shopping trips more than homework attempts?
sleeping my ass of in lectures?
taking everythg for granted when ironically it is a big sum t think about?
what if i cant take the stress and back out like how i did in debate?

well,
dad agreed to it.
but his greatest worry is my attitude.
which i myself am not sure of.
i've got two younger sisters t think of.
and dad never held hopes for me t lessen his financial burden even after i go out t work.
what happen if sis dont do well either?

its time for me t wake up.
it's a one time or never.

yuri rang me,
this was the most serious talk we've engaged in.
she hasnt rlly heard of University at Buffalo.
but well,
i just pray the cert dont get me nowhere.
and hearing her fees over at swiss, im just glad im in SIM,
not Glion.
her tuition fees for 1 semester is akin t my entire course of three years!
its madness,
and sure did put my mind slightly at ease.
yes, she made me come t much senses.

and thenn...
dajie rang me.
t check out on me after reading my blog.
it's really really nice.
she asked " still crying? "
i thank god i have friends like em who stand by me at my lowest.
even though we are many miles apart,
hours of difference,
and when we hardly get t update on each other.
it's a cause t 死而无憾.

my love for em is unmeasurable.

then..
mer rang.
the thought of her leaving is heartbreaking.
we may not have been the closest friends,
nor hanging out a lot with,
but there is this thing about her, that im attracted to.
which makes me sad at her departure.
mer,
i just wish our affinity dont end here.
i'll miss you a hell lot =(((

it's 1.30am.
dark,
so dark.
the world is dark.
in the heart of darkness.